Chavs at Hogwarts
by Bad fairy
Summary: A new fashion has arisen in wizarding youth. Teachers watch out, 'cos the students are chavvified well, most of them. No offense meant to chavs or anyone else, rr! CHAP 11 UP!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Own nowt.

PLEASE READ THIS: This fic is not at all meant to be offensive to any - I repeat, ANY - groups of people or any people mentioned. Its just harmless fun. PLEASE R/R!

Chapter one: The beginning...

_MUGGLE CRAZE!_

_The latest craze in teen wizards seems to have come from a different source than usual. Muggle chav's have inspired the younger generation and many parents are despairing. With their children swaggering around sporting muggle designer and heavy 'bling' (gold chains, rings and bracelets) and spouting such strange phrases as 'proper good', 'waddup' and 'yeah mate', one can only pray for the teachers at Britain's Witchcraft and Wizardry academy, Hogwarts._

_(Author; S. Smilie) _

The daily prophet that Harry was reading on his way to Kings Cross Station to begin his sixth year was quite a surprise for the teenage wizard. He had seen chav's on street corners near Privet Drive, and the description of a chav in the paper fitted them exactly.

"Here." Vernon Dursley grunted, pulling up sharp and popping the seat forward so Harry could get out of the door. Harry muttered a thanks and, getting Hedwig and his trunk out of the boot, proceeded to trek to Platform 9 ¾.

The platform was packed with wizards as usual, but there seemed to be something different about the atmosphere. There were fewer adults, and more huddles. The train whistled for last boarding and the doors were instantly packed with a pushing, shoving queue.

"Hey, watch it!"

"Get...out o' mi way!"

"Shove off ya batty boy!" There were many people yelling at each other, and even more would have geared up for a fight if it weren't so urgent to get on the train. Harry finally got on and located Ron and Hermione. He squeezed into the packed compartment that held Ron, Hermione, Neville, Ginny, Fred and George. The latter two rolled their eyes when Harry came in and made their excuses to find a less squashed compartment.

"Waddup Harry!" Ron and Hermione greeted Harry enthusiastically. Harry sat next to Neville and said hello back. Then he noticed something different about the greeting Ron had given him.

"Waddup...? Ron are you wearing a chain?" Ron nodded fervently.

"Yeah mate, its ma' bling innit?" There was an awkward pause.

"I didn't understand a word you just said." Ron was wearing a baseball cap backwards, a rusty looking gold chain and had tucked some faded blue tracksuit bottoms into his odd socks.

"He said: Yes I am, Its my jewellery isn't it?" Hermione translated. She rolled her eyes. "It's a fake gold chain and his tracksuit isn't any brand I've heard of." Harry smiled, but was slightly freaked. The next half an hour was filled with Ron trying out different phrases, mostly said in the wrong context and Harry and Hermione humouring him. Neville and Ginny were reading Potions books, trying to get in on the know-how for the new term.

"What do we have here then?" Well, Harry should have really expected it. Draco Malfoy and his cronies were at the door. Harry glanced at them, Hermione, and then did a double take.

Draco Malfoy was chav. In every way, all Harry could see was chav-chav-chav-chav-chav. His normally slicked back blond hair was in spikes; he had a small gold ring in his ear, was wearing a Fred Perry jacket and faded Levi jeans over-hanging shining white Adidas trainers. Crabbe and Goyle had made a half-hearted attempt at copying their leader in all black designer tracksuits. The over all effect of seeing the renowned posh junior aristocrat chavved up was unnerving.

"Huh, two Emo's, two geeks and a whav!"

"You what?" Why was everyone talking in ghetto lingo today? Mind you it seemed only Harry didn't get what he said, as everyone fired up.

"I'm not a geek!" Ginny shouted, getting to her feet.

"I'm not an Emo!" Hermione cried, also standing up.

"Just because I'm reading doesn't make me a geek!" Neville looked close to tears.

"How _dare _you call me a Whav?" Ron was red hot. He looked rather similar to a lobster. Crabbe and Goyle were cracking up, and Draco was sneering strangely at Harry.

"What's this Potter? Hey Crabbe, Goyle mate, this Emo don't, like, know what he is?" Crabbe and Goyle were doubled over in laughter now, and Ron looked ready to explode.

"I AM NOT A WHAV!"

"Why are you all talking so weirdly?"

"I mean, am I wearing skinny jeans? Am I crying? Do I hate my life!"

"_Whats a whav? Whats an Emo? Why am I an Emo_?"

"You're all BATTY BOY'S!" At this insult the fired up, chavvical Ron hexed Malfoy into a small green and purple frog, promptly got beaten up by Crabbe and Goyle who then joined Malfoy in the frog department thanks to a curse from the riled up 'Emo' Hermione. Harry was still wondering what all these strange words meant when the medics arrived.

"I know being a 'Chav' is cool and hip at the moment, but if all this is going to bring is fights and swearing then I will ban it!" Dumbledore's start of year speech was decidedly sterner than normal, considering the forty two fights that had had to be broken up on the train and in the hall and the three first years that had been pushed in the lake.

"And finally, Filch says that if he catches _one _more student calling him a filthy sweaty bum to his face or behind his back they will severely regret it. Now to our food."

Food appeared in front of the hungry students and they tucked into the feast.

"Harry, Harry!" Ernie Macmillan was waving at Harry from the Ravenclaw table. Harry stared. The pompous boy had donned not one, but three heavy gold chains and a large gold medallion sporting his initials and the words 'da beast'. His fingers were encrusted with two gold sovereign rings on each digit, and his wrists were weighed down with several massive gold chain bracelets.

Maybe the Ravenclaw's had taken the chav look over the top, Harry reasoned, looking at their table. Several girls were styling the muggle 'council house facelift' ponytail, plastering their hair back (all but two strands at the front obviously) and making their features stretch up an inch. The same girls were wearing thick eyeliner and skirts the size of belts if not smaller. As Harry looked around he saw that all but a few people (those people including himself and Hermione) were not dressed in uniform.

Harry settled himself picking at some chips. He had lost his appetite really, the sight of so many chav's was slightly nauseating.

"I is bling-bling." Seamus tried as he walked into the boy's dormitories. Harry rolled his eyes and tripped over his pyjama leg. He landed on his bum with an 'oof' and froze as he was surrounded by three jeering guys. Neville was sitting on his bed, frozen like Harry because like Harry he had about the same amount of knowledge on chav's as a snail has on hard-drugs.

"SHE FELL OVA'! SHE FELL OVA'" Ron was looking at Seamus to see if he was going to go on for a third time and Seamus was looking at Dean for inspiration. He didn't have to look very far however, because the muggle-born (currently indistinguishable from Ali-G - including a false goatee and a neon yellow plastic jacket) was literally bouncing around Harry, pointing and singing. The other two died down slowly, and all eyes were on the oblivious Dean, slightly embarrassed in the 'Whavs' cases.

Dean was still singing after Harry had gotten up and the castle had gone to bed (but he was now trying out his Ali-G accent so he sounded more like; 'Hee fell ov-AH!'. Eventually Harry had to hex him to get him to stop.

Next chapter:

Chavs in class...


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I disclaim

Thanx for reviewing : Padfoot's Sidekick and (I's not sure whether I should be thanking this person or not but I guess I'm a nice person so..) James Jago.

Chapter two: The fight

The fight to see who was hardest ended with both boys in the infirmary (milking it obviously, with nothing but a bust lip and a black eye apiece) and Harry had ended up late for his first lesson, Potions.

"Ten points from Gryffindor Potter, sit down." Harry took a seat next to an apologetic looking Hermione. Scrawled on the board were instructions for a complicated looking potion, that Snape seemed just about finished explaining.

"You have forty five minutes, then we will be testing it on...a subject." His eyes lingered on Harry, who groaned. He was ALWAYS Snape's guinea pig!

"Harry go get the ingredients will..." Hermione trailed off and her eyes widened. Ron and Dean had entered the classroom, and after being docked points and being told to sit down had started. It was an interesting spectacle.

"Dean ya fruit, go get the ingredients!" Dean whispered something nasty in reply to Ron then stood up. He walked right into Malfoy.

"Watch it you mushroom!" The Gryffindor snapped and tried to get past Malfoy. But the taller boy was having none of it.

"Did you just call me a mushroom?" The blond's voice was deadly, and the spikes atop his head looked razor sharp in the dim musty light. Dean took a step back and stood on his toes to face him.

"Yeah mate, I did. Whatcha gonna do about it?" There was silence in the classroom, then almost as if a signal had been shown, the entire class swarmed up, over desks and over Snape to chant on their favourite.

"AARGH!" Harry yelled as a chavette Susan Bones vaulted over him, her tight ponytail swinging madly. Harry, Hermione, Neville and Snape were shoved to the edge of the classroom, and the professors yells of 'SIT DOWN NOOOOOOOW!' went unheard as a massive 'Fight! Fight! Fight!' roar went up.

"Why do they forget about magic?" Hermione screamed over the noise, as they watched the beginnings of the fight through jostling bodies. Dean and Malfoy were banging shoulders and shouting 'COME ON THEN! YOU STARTING, YA BATTYBOY?' Snape was screaming again, but was still ignored.

"How can we get them to shut up?" Harry yelled to Hermione.

"I've got an idea!" Neville shouted, then whispered something to Harry. There was a noisy pause, in which Dean _actually _punched Malfoy. He really ought to calm down, he was beginning to act non-chav. Malfoy punched him in the stomach and as the Gryffindor doubled over brought up his knee. It was a fancy trick that probably would have broken Dean's nose if his knee had connected, but he over balanced and fell over, Dean landing on top of him. There was and embarrassed silence from the spectators as Dean's head landed between Malfoy's legs. Then Ron whooped.

"BATTY BOYS! BATTY BOYS!" It was soon picked up by the crowd, and Malfoy (who had fainted from the humiliation was kicked by the Gryffindors. Dean (who had rolled off of Malfoy and was holding his stomach) was being kicked by the Slytherin chavs, decidedly more violently.

"Neville!" Harry shouted. "Its time! NOW!" Harry, Neville and Hermione all took deep breaths and whistled shrilly. All the chavs in the room were instantly silent.

"OI! My...homies," Neville was trying to speak the lingo so he could get through easier. "All you - I mean 'ya' - dudes. Er... any motha that puffs a joint..." He gave up. "FREE FAGS IN THE DINNER HALL!"

A heartbeat. And another (Ron kicked Malfoy). Then what Neville had said registered, and there was chaos.

"FREE JOINTS!" Someone yelled as the herd of chavs stampeded over Snape again. It wasn't the best way to the door, but trampling him was fun. In less than ten seconds the classroom was bare apart from an unconscious Malfoy, the three Gryffindors and a squashed looking Snape.

"Wooza?" Snape sat up sharply and wobbly. Malfoy groaned and blinked.

"Wtf?" Never up until then had Harry heard anyone actually _say _internet expressions. How sad. Harry, Neville and Hermione looked at each other. Then legged it. The halls were deserted, but there was a distant rumble, like an earthquake, coming their way.

The trio stopped, puzzled.

"Whats that?" Harry asked the other two. They shrugged but the rumble was getting louder and louder and louder.

"THERE THEY ARE!" A shout came from behind them. They slowly turned around, eyes wide. There, coming around the corner was an enraged, fag deprived group of chavs.

"GET THEM!"

Duh duh duuuuuuuuuh. Cliffhanger, hehe. Anyway, to anyone who has read the doughnut story, I think Padfoots Sidekick () has an idea on the Adventures of Creamy Delight Weasley. What do you think? PLEASE REVIEW!


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I hereby proclaim a disclamation.

Under da Fanfiction illumination

I can't rap too well an don't know much

But Rowling's stuff I no I can't touch.

CAN'T TOUCH THIS!

A/N: Hehe, hows THAT for a disclaimer? Thanx for reviewing... Annabelle Marie Ruby Diane, scarfairy92 and Padfoot's Sidekick. LOVE YOU ALL!

Chapter three: Reverse psychology

Harry, Hermione and Neville stood frozen for half a second, then ran, screaming.

"GET BACK HERE YOU FILTHY SWEATIES!"

"RUN!" Harry yelled.

"WE ARE YOU IDIOT!" Hermione yelled back. They weren't all too sure why they were shouting. It just seemed appropriate in the situation.

They tried to ignore the naughty words being yelled at them, but Hermione and Neville's faces were white. Harry thought he ought to try some reverse psychology on the chavs.

"Stop." He said. Hermione and Neville carried on a bit before they realised that he had stopped. Harry turned around to the oncoming stampede of chavs.

"COME AND HAVE A GO IF YOU THINK YOU'RE HARD ENOUGH!" The chavs faltered a little. "I'LL KILL YOU ALL YOU...YOU...YOU _CHAVS_!" The chavs at the front looked more than a little worried and some tried to turn around. Not a very good idea as they were knocked over and stood on by the chavs behind them. They in turn tried to turn around when they saw Harry there screaming death threats. Chavs are not notoriously brave even though a good half of them were Gryffindors. Chav seemed to trump any house really. Hufflepuffs became ganja puffing, violent mafia wannabes, Gryffindors became cowardly, evil hardo's, Ravenclaws became no-mads that went around calling people 'ya frickin boffical'. And Slytherins became the designer wearing (well no change there eh?) EXPENSIVE pot smoking, all-or-nothing lying little bs.

"PILE ON!" The charge of chavs had soon become several dozen people all squished on top of each other. The few left standing were looking on with fantastic glee and diving left right and centre.

"Dive!"

"Bonsai!"

"Bonsai? Wtf is bloomin bonsai you lemon?"

"I'm a lemon am I mate?"

"Yea you poof."

"Its true."

"Uh huh."

"NOBODY ASKED YOU!" Harry stared at the group. In under half a minute they had gone from bloodthirsty mob to a laughing, play fighting cheerful bunch of delinquent youths. It was unnerving.

"Quick Harry, while they're distracted!" Hermione appeared at his side and grabbed his arm. He nodded, still entranced with the group. She tugged at his arm.

"Yeah. Its weird isn't it though?" She looked puzzled.

"What?" Harry shrugged and gestured widely.

"Just...all this." She still looked confused and he sighed. "It doesn't matter."

"Well come on then, I think some of them are resurfacing!" Harry turned around in shock. It was true. Some of the more dangerous chavs (the Slytherins and Hufflepuffs mostly) were breaking through the pile up as though they were shampoo models bursting from water...only a lot less shiny hair and blemish-less skin. Harry gulped. The chavs were growling. All of a sudden it seemed that their chav senses were collapsing and they were actually up for a fight, not a banging shoulders 'come on then!' chav battle. One of them tugged out his hand from the writhing bulk of chavs. It held a wand.

"Lets go." Harry allowed Hermione to drag him away this time, and they all ran back to the Gryffycommon room.

In the Gryffindor common room, chav had taken over. It was not a subtle hint of muggleness, but an all out statement. Literally. Someone had pasted a 'SWEATIES KEEP OUT!' banner over the fat lady's nose. It was now (due to the magic embedded in it) in the painting itself, waving in the wind drawn into the fat lady's painting and absolutely not budging from her nose. When the poor woman had gone visiting one evening, she had found herself chased from a painting by three suspicious looking black clad gothic wizards.

The walls of the common room were covered in gangster posters and anti-goth salutes. On top of the fireplace was a framed inscription reading 'CHAVS RULE'. The boys dorm was no better. Dean's bed was solid gold (or gold looking) and carved with the words 'KEEP IT REAL' and 'RESTECP'. The poor boy had not yet realised that he was utterly whav (wannabe chav, Harry had found out what it meant a while back by asking Ron and was treated to a tirade of what 'I am like totally gonna do that cheesecake Malfoy if he EVA calls me that again, ye mate!' and wasn't making it any better, in fact he looked more desperate intentionally misspelling words to look cool. And the bed was just tacky. Neville had been threatened by Dean when he bit the whavs bed and pointed out it wasn't real gold. Neville hadn't really been intimidated because he didn't understand what 'I is gonna rip off your orchestras and put them in a bong!' meant.

"Its just a _nightmare_!" Hermione moaned, collapsing on her favourite chair by the fire. "I mean, did you see their faces? I thought they were going to kill us!" Harry nodded, but something else had caught his eye. He got up and moved to the noticeboard, eyes on a pink flyer, decorated with chains and marijuana leaves.

_Students, _

_With the recent uprising of chav-ness Hogwarts will be staging a rap contest in the Great Hall tomorrow evening. Winners will be given prizes. Good luck!_

_Dumbledore_

"Hermione...!"

Next chapter:

Rap war in the Great Hall and marijuana bongs in the broomstick closet!


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Own nothin!!!

(A/N) The raps are probably more understandable if you read them out to yourself.

Chapter four: Yo rhyme is tight!

"_My name is Ron and I_..." The Gryffindors were composing. The pile up the day before had turned out nasty in the end (but with chavs, what doesn't?) resulting in thirty two students hospitalised for the night. They had all been let out in the morning, and had rushed in one massive swarm of bling and bandages to their separate houses. The rap-making had begun and someone had conjured a heavy beat for them to rhythm to. Harry was - against all odds - making up a rap for the fun of it. He had got so far as; _My name is Harry, some call me Potter_, and was stuck. Dean, who had simply taxed a rap song and altered the lyrics, was helping him think. At the moment they were stumped and listening to Ron try to rap. The red-heads left arm seemed to be having rhythmical spasms, going right to left as he rapped.

"_My name is Ronald and I like to...to...to rap! _

_My...bird is a bof and...I's goin for a nap_!" He gave the room an ecstatic grin.

"Excellent!" Neville said. "Then you could, like go off of the stage and go to sleep!" Ron frowned at him.

"Behave, ya muffin! I like cannot just say two lines! There must be more! Like Spearing Shakes!" There was a pause in which the entire room was filled with the sounds of a dozen people thinking fast.

"Do you mean...Shakespeare?" Hermione said slowly. Ron looked blank for a moment then recovered.

"Yeah! That crazy bong-sucker!" There was quiet for a moment as Ron sat down again and composed in a purple wax crayon. Harry turned to his own all-but-two-lines-empty page and doodled in the corner, drawing a stick-chav. The chav was decapitated as Dean jumped up and yelled, scaring everybody out of their skin.

"I've got it!" He yelled excitedly, dancing towards the area the Gryffindors had designated as the stage.

"_My name is Harry, some call me Potter._

_Dean is a beast and Malfoy is an otter._

_I's got a square head and specky-four-eyes._

_No-one knows but I really _do_ guys._

_I has a scar on mi head and Malfoy calls me Sweaty_

_If he does it again he'll get ma machete_!"

There was silence. And more silence. Then...

"That. Was. _BRILLIANT_!" Ron cried. The room rang with applause, and everyone came up to give Dean skin.

"It portrayed you perfectly Harry!" Someone said, and Harry gawped.

"I don't _do _guys!" He said, outraged.

"Aaaaah someone's in denial!"

"I am not!"

"Denial!"

"Shut UP!"

"DENIAAAAAL!"

"_It's the evening of the rap-contest and the Great Hall is _packed_! I literally cannot swing a dead dragon in _

_here! You can smell the tension, the atmosphere is almost hysterical! Th-_"

"Ernie you batty-boy wtf are you doing?" Macmillan looked slightly embarrassed.

"Just thought the people at home would like a bit of overview..."

"Tha people at home? Dude, you is wacko." Ernie wandered off to somewhere, everyone looking at him funnily.

"Must be all the stress," Parvati Patil - or as she had re-named herself, Chaz - commented to her twin Padma - Shaz.

"HELLLLLLLLLLO CONTESTANTS!" The lights dimmed and there was a spotlight on the conjured stage where the staff tables normally were. All chatter died out as they realised what there headmaster was wearing. Lycra. Skin tight purple Lycra. Neville retched.

"LET THE RAP CONTEST BEGIN WITH OUT FIRST ENTRY...RONALD WEASLEY WITH ME AND MYYYYYY BOF!"

Ron made his way to the stage and someone conjured a beat for him. He missed eight, then the spasms began, signalling his start.

"_My Name is Ronald and I like to rap!_

_My rhyme is da best, all you others are crap!_

_You call yourselves chavs?! _

_You are all Whavs!_

_R .O. N. A. L. D!_

_You lot must. Respect me!_" There was a pause then a round of applause.

"THANKYOU RONALD! NOW OUR NEXT CONTESTANT... PARVATI PATI...SORRY, CHAZ!"

"HARRY POTTER!"

"DRACO MALFOY!"

"AAAAAND DEAN!"

There was a dimming of lights, a drum roll, then the opening beats of 'In Da Club' came up. Dean was standing and pulling off the hand spasms much better than Ron had.

"_Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop Malfoy._

_Its his D'day._

_Time to party like_

_Cos its his D'day._

_We is gonna sip firewhiskey like cos its his D'day._

_And you know we don't give a fk cos its his D'day!_"

And the song followed along the same lines. By the end of it, the enraged Slytherin chav was being held back by seven of his gangsta-mates to stop him charging the stage and most probably yell at the Gryffindor chav to 'COME ON THEN YOU FILTHY WHAV!' for half an hour. But sadly that charming spectacle was not too be for many, many moons yet, and the winner was awarded eight wish-spells.

The winner (Dean) was told not to wish for anything illegal. So he did, and the broomstick closet on the fourth floor was filled with a smokescreen of the smoke from eight marijuana bongs being smoked by the Gryffindor boys. Harry was the only one that had refused a puff and therefore was the one being hit on by the high teenagers.

After eight hours of this, he gave up and got high. The events that followed are censored for hygenic reasons.

Next chapter:

Battle plans. Kick em up the rear and run...


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I own this as much as a giant purple mushroom called Ronnie owns the planet Zonk5496385.

Thanx: stickzx, Padfoot's Sidekick () and Broken For You. Sorry this one took so long to get up and sorry it is so short. The next will be longer, promise!

Chapter five: The A.C.L

Three weeks since the incident with the marijuana joints and it had gone beyond a joke. Hermione had collapsed crying several times at Ron's behavior and the teachers were going spare.

"I just can't take it anymore!" Hermione wailed her head in Harry's arms. "I seriously contemplated leaving school. I really did Harry." Harry shook his head and sighed. Inside he felt the same way as his distraught friend.

"Maybe..." A flash of inspiration hit him. "Maybe if we fight back...they will quit." Hermione sniffed and looked at him puzzled.

"What do you mean?" She asked, wiping her face and sitting up,

"Well...if we pull pranks on them and stuff, maybe they'll quit?" Harry said hesitantly. Hermione sniffed again, and then cleared her throat.

"We have to get a group together. All those people who aren't chav." She started to get into the spirit, plotting as she spoke. "We could call ourselves the A.C.L!"

"A.C.L?"

"Anti Chav League!" Harry grinned.

"We'd have to leave messages, and make them see how stupid they are being when we prank them." He said, conjuring a piece of parchment and a quill. "Name all of the people likely to become anti chavs."

"Well, there's me and you. In Gryffindor there's Neville, that first year girl, she's a goth I think..."

"Lisa Macklusken?" Harry said, scribbling the names. "Nah, she's skater."

"Like Avril Lavigne?" Hermione asked, frowning.

"Yeah. Who else?"

They spent the next half an hour listing possible anti chav's. In the end they had thirteen Gryffindors, seventeen Hufflepuff's, one Ravenclaw and no Slytherins.

"How are we going to get into the Slytherin common rooms if we have no Slytherins?" Harry asked. Hermione smiled at him.

"The same way we got in in second year." Harry nodded slowly.

"It will be well wicked, aye?" Hermione looked at him in horror.

"No Harry! Don't go there!" Harry coughed.

"Sorry. Just joking." Hermione sat back down, if a little hesitantly.

"Lets get the A.C.L active!"

Next chapter:

The A.C.L's first move...


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I might have thought that you would have gotten the message THAT I OWN NOTHING! But I'll put it anyway. :)

Thanx: Padfoots Sidekick () and GinnysbestM8. Sorry, I know I said this would be up quicker and be longer but... it just weren't. I'll try to do more for next time, but no promises. PLEASE R/R I WILL PUT IT UP QUICKER IF I CAN BEAT MY LIMIT OF 12 REVIEWS FOR A STORY!

Chapter six: Troops...

"Er, hi." Harry was faced with lots of blank faces. About thirty goths, sweaties, mosha's and people who don't like chav's had come to the room of requirement for a meeting.

"Erm. I take it none of you like chavs?" The silence was ringing, and several mosha's looked ready to kill him. And themselves. "Er."

"We have devised a plan to get rid of the chavs at Hogwarts." Hermione took over, and Harry gratefully stood down.

"Oh yeah? How?" A black haired sweatie girl spoke. Her 'Suicide isn't a crime' hoodie told Harry volumes about her character.

"Pranks. Leaving messages to tell them how stupid they look. The professors will help us, I'm sure of it. They hate chavs as much as we do."

"How can you be sure it will work?" 'Suicide isn't a crime' girl spoke again.

"Oh I am sure..." Hermione trailed off evilly and Harry was sure she was about to put her pinkie to her mouth and yell 'Muahahahaaaaa!'.

"Now all you need to do is sign your name on the dotted line and not read the small print. Thankyou, thankyou." Harry handed out the contracts, and several minutes and several biro's later the A.C.L had thirty more members.

"Right then. First move." Hermione had separated them into four groups. Wasn't difficult really. The trick was to distinguish the ones wearing hoodies and put them all together (sweaties), the ones looking slightly crazy, very violent and pierced allover together (moshas), the ones wearing all black and tons of black makeup together (goths), and the ones looking ready to commit suicide with all watery eyes together (emo's). When the troops were assembled and kitted out in camo gear (for the occasion) mainly all black and grey. The sweaties had already defied the rules by pinning billions of badges reading things like 'I am surrounded by idiots.' on them. They had been given a stern telling off but Harry had been forced to let them wear them. I mean, they had _threatened to show him their poems..._ Harry shuddered at the very thought and continued in what he was doing. This wasn't much. In fact he wasn't doing anything other than gawping at the assortment of people in the room, all doing their own separate strange thing. Which included head banging, trying to listen to Marilyn Manson on headphones without being caught (Harry had banned them after finding a dodgy song about himself called 'The Green Eyed Devil Has Me And He Likes Bondage') daring each other to cut their names into their arms (they were very much like chavs in the pain respect - preferring to bang shoulders and growl 'dare you', 'I dared you first', 'bet you daren't' at each other rather than actually _doing _it) and other such things, each the opposite of what a chav would be doing, but kind of in a Doppleganger way.

"We attack tomorrow. Dawn. Now, can anyone tell me what the chavs will all without a doubt be doing at dawn?" 'Suicide isn't a crime' put her hand up. She was looked on as the spokesperson in her category (sweaties).

"Sleeping." Hermione nodded and whacked the dry wipe board with a pointer she had dug up somewhere. She gave the impression of a stern pre-school teacher. Slightly nutty, but in control without a doubt.

"EXACTLY! And that is precisely _why _we will strike at dawn. Harry?"

"Er... nobody is actually gonna get hurt are they?" Hermione glowered at him.

"What do you think I am Harry?" With the mad scientist bush of hair and the stick, at the moment Harry was really not sure.

"Anyway, Group A... that's you, the sweaties." They looked a bit annoyed at being called sweaties but shut up because they were scared of Hermione. "You are Group Sweaties." She pointed at each group in turn, giving each of them an amazingly inventive and original name. "Group Moshas." "Group Goths." "Group Emo's." and finally, "Intelligence. This is me and Harry. NOW MOVE! MOVE! MOVE!"

Taking the equipment required for their designated targets, the A.C.L moved back to their dormitories, ready for the morning ahead and the first step of kicking out the chavs...

Next chapter:

Attack at dawn


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I own no more than anybody else... except JK herself of course.

Thanx for reviewing Padfoots Sidekick (). You are ace. And as seen as you are the only person who reviewed the last chapter, I dedicate this chapter to you! I hope you like.

Chapter seven: Omfg.

"You go first."

"No, you go first."

"Look, I'll go first...but you stand next to me."

"Okay then. Move out."

Operation 'Slytherin Chav-a-go-go' was in motion. Group Sweaties and Group Goths were heading the mission, all cam'd up in black cam cream and camo uniform. Nobody really knew why. They would stick out like a lemon in a orange bowl in the Slytherin Dorms.

"Watch your feet!" There was a crash and all the A.C.L froze. Their wide eyes traveled to a small goth that tripped on vase. There were several heartbeats, and then when nothing happened there were loud sighs, louder shushes and silence as the groups crept towards the Dorms. A suspicious looking goth (who had 'accidentally' put on his cam cream in a gothicky fashion, centered around the eyes and mouth) was fingering a razor as a normal person might finger a safety blanket.

"Move! Move! Move!" The stage whisper was carried Chinese whispers-style through the groups and came out to the last sweatie as 'You stoop, shoe booth'. As they do. After that mishap had been cleared up, they swarmed like mosha ants into the dormitories. The rooms reeked of B.O mixed with WKD and Bacardi. As chav places do. The goths could even detect a faint whiff of weed if they smelled closely. Of course no chav with a hint of self-preservation would smoke dope unless he/her was under more then twelve protective covers and with thirty friends all egging them to take a puff. I mean, they're not _stupid _or anything...

"Stinks in here."

"Don't smell half as bad as you."

"Shurrup! I showered this morning."

"No you didn't! I got you up this morning you sweaty liar!"

"You're a sweatie too!"

"Yeah but not in the smelly sense..."

"With all those bloody hoodies I wouldn't count on it."

"You two! Shut up, you're gonna wake them!"

"Hey, they probably had so much to drink last night that they wouldn't wake for seventy stampeding elephants."

"Look, there's twenty minutes till breakfast bell. If they're done in the hall and we're not done in here then there's gonna be hell to pay."

"Hey, dude here's just begging to get into hell anyway, so that's not gonna motivate him."

"Just get on with it! If you don't I'll tell Hermione!" There was instant silence and action. Fear of Hermione trumped all other cards. It took them the full twenty minutes to finish their tasks, but they were up and out of the Slythie Dorms before the first chav yawned.

"This should be promising." Harry smiled at Hermione. The girl picked at her eggs. It was a good half an hour before the chavs were due to be ready. After all they did need to have every hair either tightly sprayed back or perfectly spiked up. Ron had run out of hair gel after his first bottle and therefore was recycling it. Once squeezed out of his hair, it could be strained and re-used. It also helped that he was taking the 'grunge-chav' route and only having a bath every fortnight, disguising the stench with heavy applying of Lynx.

Eventually the chavs began to emerge. Slowly but surely, the Great Hall filled up with chavs. And then...just as one spiky haired gangsta put his fork to his mouth...the hell that is gay love broke loose.

Every chav (or chavette) that had eaten (every chav, they cannot resist chips and beans on a morning, and one had bullied the house elves into cooking it at breakfast) grabbed a chav (or chavette) of the same sex and began pashing. They looked horrified about what they were doing, but couldn't seem to stop. Harry was nearly crying with laughter as he saw Draco Malfoy snogging Goyle. He looked like he was going to throw up, but his hands and lips thought differently.

"You GO!" A Hufflepuff mosha, Terry Seamus, had climbed onto the table and was recording the whole thing on a muggle digital camera. "MOSH ON!!!" (A mosha's version of 'rock on')

Hysterical laughter was coming from the entire A.C.L. By the end of breakfast, the hex had traversed from snogging to every chav declaring undying love for the others.

"I cant believe this." Hermione giggled on the way to Potions. "I mean, I just saw Ron on his knee in front of Malfoy, _proposing_!" Harry laughed.

"Do you reckon we'll get expelled?" He grinned. At the moment he couldn't really care. He had done the marauders proud with that prank.

"No. The teachers want rid of the chavs just as much as we do. We can get away with eeeveerryything..." Again, Harry was waiting for the 'muahahahaaaaa' to appear at the end of the sentence.

"HARRY!" Harry saw a flash of white blond, and then he was bowled over. Draco Malfoy was sitting astride him.

"What?! Get off of - mmfph!"

"Oh my gosh!" Hermione clapped her hand over her mouth. Draco Malfoy (aka 'Draz Man') was kissing the bejeezus out of Harry. Harry was pinned against the floor, with the Slytherin's knees stopping him from moving. The sneaky bastard. Malfoy came up for air. Harry took the chance and screamed. Except it came out as a damaged train-whistle whimper. Malfoy glanced up at Hermione, his eyes widened and he took off. Harry lay on the floor, shell-shocked, until Hermione hauled him up.

"Oh, god Harry are you okay?" Harry swallowed.

"Yeah." He squeaked. "Dandy." Hermione frowned as they continued to walk to Potions.

"You know whats weird? The kissing part wore off _ages _ago..."


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: Own nothing. I never own anything. You know, I only have three pounds to my name? Tch...

Thanx moonshadow92, Annabelle Marie Ruby Potter and Padfoot's Sidekick. Padfoots Sidekick, are you the same Padfoots Sidekick that has reviewed previously anonymously? Just wondered...

(A/N: TO ANY READERS INCLINED TO THE SWEATIE NATURE: I AM NOT PUTTING YOU DOWN AS TERRORISTS! THANKYOU! You will understand when you read this chapter.)

Chapter eight: Oh ho, don't they know it...

The following days at breakfast, the chavviness seemed to be toned down a little, there was less Burberry and more Primark. The chav's seemed to think that if they down-marketed then they might not be targeted again. There was an air of caution around the non-chav's. The chav's weren't clever enough to figure out that the sweaties and mosha's were the one's that had committed the crime, but they felt that they should be treated as one treats a highly volatile chemical. (Unfortunately the everyday chav treats science experiments rather roughly. Throwing them around, pouring them in the bof's hair and turning the Bunsen burners upside down in them so they explode.)

"Hermione, I think we may be getting somewhere." Harry smiled triumphantly as he poured syrup on his pancakes.

"Wiv wot, you mosha basher?" Dean sneered at Harry.

"The A.C.L." Harry replied lightly. Dean adopted an expression that reminded Harry of what a squirrel looks like in the summer when it just cant remember where it put its nuts.

"Wtf is the muffin' A.C.L, ya bof?" As usual, the stumped chav resorted to attack to cover his confusion.

"The Acting Candy Lollipops." There was a pause.

"Oh right..." Dean said, and continued eating his mashed potatoes.

"They are SUCH idiots. The _Acting Candy Lollipops_?"

"The fools."

"LADIES, GENTLEMEN AND CHAVS!" Dumbledore yelled to quieten the great hall. There were outraged gasps after the chavs had figured out what he had just said. It took quite a while actually. Three seconds for them to realize he was talking to them, three seconds for them to translate it to chav-speak, three seconds to realize what it meant and three seconds to come up with a reply.

"OI!"

"YA BATTY BOY!"

"I AM NOT A HOMO!"

"The terms 'Trannie' you fool."

"Oh right... I AM NOT A TRANNIE!"

"Calm down, mon students. I would just like to say that the group A.C.L is not being punished by the faculty because of all the trouble the chavs are causing. Thankyou." There was a confused silence.

"The A.C.L?"

"Wtf is the A.C.L?"

"It's the Acting Candy Lollipops!"

"The what?"

"How can you punish Candy Lollipops?"

"What did they do?"

"How do _you _know anyway Dean?"

"Harry da beastie told me, like."

"How does _he _know?" Hermione narrowed her eyes at a sixth year called Billy O' Matthews. His nickname was Billy O or Boobie. 'Cos, you know, Boobie sounds like Billy dunnit? Hehe, innit...you guys...?

"We have a clever chav." Harry grinned.

"I have an idea to get rid of him... BOF IN DISGUISE!!!! MEEP MEEP MEEP! BOF IN DISGUISE!!!" He yelled and pointed at Boobie, jumping up and down. Billy O went red and yelled back.

"SES YOU!"

"HA! IS THAT ALL YOU CAN COME UP WITH! YOU FILTHY BOF IN DISGUISE! HOW DARE YOU DISGUISE YOURSELF! _GET HIM!_" At Harry's scream, the chavs took the opportunity to beat the unfortunate 'bof-in-disguise' up.

"Pile on!"

"BOF PILE!" As another of their 'rules' the chavs as a whole think that bof's shouldn't try to be chavs. They put 'bof's-in-disguise' on the same level as sweaties or terrorists.

"Harry..." Hermione stared. Harry raised his eyebrows.

"Hmm?"

"Harry that was brilliant. EXCELLENT EVEN!" Harry stood and took a bow to a background of a wriggling chav pile-on. It seemed that many of them had gotten themselves stuck.

"Yes, it waaaas." Harry turned around to the unfamiliar voice. He nearly fell back into Deans mashed potatoes when he saw the blond Slytherin standing there twirling a finger through his hair and biting his lower lip suggestively.

"AAH! What do _you_ want?" Draco took a dramatic step closer and pressed himself to Harry. Harry shrieked like a girl and shoved Malfoy. Unfortunately for Harry, Malfoy was considerably bigger, so it didn't make much of a difference.

"You, my darling, green eyed tree-frog." Hermione sniggered at Malfoy's pet name for Harry.

"Green eyed tree-frog...hehe, that's good..."

"HERMIONE! STOP GIGGLING AND _HELP ME!_" Harry was almost bent over backwards trying to get away from Malfoy.

"Giz' a kiss my lovely little froggiekins..." Hermione lobbed some mashed potatoes at Malfoy's head when he began kissing Harry again. Harry's arms were going like windmills and he had sat in his eggs. Malfoy, busy playing a very one sided game of tonsil tennis, didn't register the potatoes hitting him.

"AAAAH! HELP!!! A.C.L GO! GO! GO!" There was a blur of black and Harry was being carried on the shoulders of twenty nine sweaties. The thirtieth was busy punching Malfoy.

After the last mosha had run off, there was silence in the great hall. All eyes were on Malfoy, who had mashed potato dripping slowly from his nose.

"_Is Malfoy a batty then?"_

_"I dunno, he just kissed Pothead so he might be..."_

_"Hah! Pothead. That's good."_

_"Cheers."_

_"Hey, I just realized something!"_

_"Oh my god, hell has frozen over."_

_"IT HAS?!?!"_

_"AAAAHHHHH!" _There were screams and yells and tears, and the chavs rushed as one to their houses, for refuge. The sarky chav who had started it all with the hell comment stood, rolling his eyes. He was a Ravenclaw whav, wearing Adidas. Malfoy pointed a shaking accusing finger at the whav.

"Is it true?!" He demanded. "Has hell really frozen over?!"

"Er..."

"WITCH!!!! BURN THE WITCH!!!" As one, the entire chav population re-entered the hall to find Draco jumping the whav. One chav had brought a long stake of wood and some more had brought bunches of twigs and rope.

"BUUUUURN THE WITCH!" The raven was wetting himself by now. It hadn't really occurred to the rest of the people that they were _all _witches or wizards. Which was strange considering around a third were pureblood. The whav was tied to an upright stake and surrounded by batches of twigs.

"Right. Anyone got a lighter?" There was a pause.

"Excuse me, I've got asthma..."

"Yeah me too."

"And me." The mob was depleted by about a hundred.

"I left my lighter behind, I'll just go get it shall I?"

"I have as well actually."

"Sorry, me too."

"I'll go with you."

"And me." There was only Draco Malfoy and a very small first year gangster left, the first year holding a burning torch half the size of him. He held it out to the aristocrat-turned-gangster.

"Buuuurn him!" The first year's squeaky voice echoed evilly, and set off a chain of events which culminated in the creator of the film Omen hearing his statement and creating the film Omen. Or something like that.

Draco lost interest in the entire situation and left to visit Harry. The small gangster followed him and the whav was untied by a teacher, then went on to convert into skater and join the ACL.

Next chapter:

Plan number TWO!


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I disclaim.

Two chapters up at once to make up for the wait. Is Chavs At Hogwarts finally getting a serious streak? Are the Chavs finally gone? ...maybe not quite yet. Oh yeah, another 'no offence meant' shout out for the wiccan population of FFC.

Chapter nine: How much longer?

"Serious?"

"Deadly." Harry stared at the group of Sweaties, open mouthed.

"But.."

"I know."

"And.."

"Yep."

"This has to stop." Harry conjured up a sheet of A3 paper and a pencil and drew a square. "This is Hogwarts." He drew a smaller square inside the big square. "This is the main area of the chavs. Slythy dorms." A small circle. "Raven dorms." A pair of dots. "Gryffy and 'puff dorms." Harry straightened up and looked around the Room of Requirement. Harry had made the mistake of letting a mosha think it up and as a consequence the room was black, black and blacker. With a few shelves with some mosherish items on. And a few razorblades for the emo's. The mass of black outlined eyes stared up at him expectantly as Harry searched for a particular sweatie.

"Lisa!" The small Gryffy girl wiggled her way to the front at Harry's shout. Her long hair caught on some goths cult jewelry and as it tugged, she yelled and punched the goth. As the goth (a 'puff who was one-of-those-freaks-that-thinks-she's-a-witch-all-that-voodoo-stuff-know-what-I'm-saying-like?) was one-of...god I'm not writing that again...a 'wiccan', she screamed hoarsely and twiddled her fingers in some cloth. That isn't just a slack comment, she created a voodoo doll in less than three seconds, and it bore a surprisingly accurate resemblance to Lisa. Taking out a few pins from somewhere, she stabbed the doll in the 'eye' and waited expectantly. Nothing happened.

"You WANG-NUT!" Lisa pointed at the wiccan and began laughing hysterically. "You ACTUALLY thought it was gonna work! HAHAHAHAAAA!"

"You dare!" Suddenly the small skater girl was surrounded by seven looming figures. "You dare insult the great Wiccan voodoo god Chinchowahambo?!?" If you have ever watched The Da Vinci Code and seen Silas at his worst, you will know what these seven looked like. They began chanting and closing in on Lisa.

"Humbahaya...Wangahaya...Humbahaya...Wangahaya..." (A/N try chanting it. Its really the thing people do chant when told to chant but given no instruction on _what_ exactly to chant)

"Yes?" Humbahaya Wangahaya, a third year Raven answered. The Silas-look-a-likes paused in their meaningless chant to perform the evil eye symbol with their hands at the mosha. Actually it was more of a deformed rabbit, but give them credit, they're only goths.

"Did you just do the deformed rabbit at me?" Humbahaya said in a deadly cold tone. There was silence, then the entire room separated itself into Humbahaya's supporters and the Wiccans. Sweaties are different to chavs in the respect that in a fight, they won't just stand at the back of their champion, yelling 'FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!', they will all swarm to help the fighter...like fleas...

The fight had just got into swing, a couple on punches here and there when Harry spelled them all unconscious. He had had the horrible vision of this ordinary rough-'n'-tumble turning into a full blown orgy, and he really wasn't having that.

"Revivio." Lisa Macklusken awoke. "Lisa. What I was trying to say before, is do you still have contact with your dad?" Lisa's dad was literally the Godfather of the English mafia. She was always wearing the top in sweatie designer, thanks to her dad and his associates. Harry had never seen him, but imagined him to be the Italian, mustached, Armani tux clad, and extremely tubby but in a menacing way type.

"Yeah." Lisa had managed to keep hold of her skateboard throughout the brawl, a feat impossible to any but the skater kind.

"I need four cinema systems in three days time and four copies of Little Britain. Preferably just the bits with Vicky Pollard in. And if you can, five digital camcorders by tomorrow."

"I'll see what I can do."

Next Chapter:

Lights...Camera...ACTION!

A/N: MERRY CHRISTMAS FFC!!!!!!


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: Yes, I am JK Rowling, here to have my revenge. JUST KIDDING!

I know. I know. And if anyone's still reading this, I'm sorry.

Chapter Ten: Dive Bomb Dave

The ACL were grouped together outside the castle, by the lake. It was a fine sunny day, so they had all dressed lightly. Well, they were for a few moments, but when the few shorts-clad Goth's bared their legs to the sun, several Mosha's had been blinded by the light reflecting off of the white legs, so they had been forced to cover up.

Harry had gotten hold of the three digital cameras, and had once again divided the ACL into its four groups. They were standing in formation around him, and seemed to be making the place colder.

"Whoever brought that fan out, will you please take it back inside!" Hermione blew on her whistle and pointed at the big electric fan rotating around. An apologetic looking mosha hurried past the evil eyed Gryffindor with the fan over his shoulder. After he had returned, Harry dolled out the cameras, one to each group except the smallest group - the emos.

"Emo's, with Hermione, the rest of you, with me!" As the reluctant emo's pushed each other after Hermione, Harry took the rest of them to a shady patch beside some trees.

"Right. In ten minutes I want you all able to use these properly. Practice with them in any way you want _but if I see any leather then heads will roll_. Okay?"

Harry laid down on the banks of the lake to relax for ten minutes, but couldn't manage to clear his head. This might have been due to the hundreds of chavs jumping out of their windows into the lake and splashing him, but it might not.

"BOMBS AWAY!"

"FOR BIGGI!"

"KAMIKAZE!"

"WHEEEEEEEE!" Were just a few of the things yelled before the almighty splashes.

Harry sat up and squinted at them as they got out of the water.

"That was well wak!" Two football-chavs high fived then bounced their beer bellies together, creating a small earthquake and dislodging an uncertain whav in between jumping and going back inside. With a girlish scream, the whav belly-flopped into the lake.

"BOOYAKASHA!" One of the football chav's shouted, flicking is hand so his fingers snapped together. They were nearly all out of the water now and were about to set off for another go, when a Raven stopped, looking puzzled.

"Where is ma Dave?" A speedo-and-goldie-looking-chain'd 'puff gangsta slapped his back.

"Who's Dave?"

"Dave! You know Dave! Dave and Chaz!" Comprehension dawned.

"Ohhhhh. Chaz and Dave! Yeah. Where is he?" There was a search among their group, each checking that they themselves were not indeed Dave. Chav memories are notoriously small, as the amount of alcohol drank slowly pickles their brain cells.

"He's not here!"

"Did he even jump?"

"He's a puff, so probs not like."

"Do not disrespect Dave!"

"Or what?"

"Or he'll lamp you, you llama!"

"Wtf's a llama?"

"A type of fish, innit?" As the conversation descended into whether a llama was indeed a fish, Harry realised that ten minutes were up. He got up and strolled back to where he had left the ACL.

"Are you all done?" They were all sat down, relaxing and letting their hair down. And down. And down. It was amazing they could stand up with that much weight on their heads.

"Duuude."

"Okay. Lets see then." Harry took a seat just slightly away from the sweaties to avoid their smell.

"Ours is dude." The mosha's favourite word seemed to be dude. They used it in place of everything. For example, instead of saying 'Could you possibly pass me that razorblade over there old bean?' a mosha would ask, 'Dude. There, dude.'

A black haired, fat mosha with two rings on his bottom lip handed Harry the camera, touching Harry's hand for what Harry thought was longer than necessary.

"Ta…" He switched the camera on and flipped back the screen. He pressed play. Then pressed pause and looked up at the moshas.

"_Where_ in the name of Merlin did you film this?" There was silence. "Tell me!"

"Flbble…" The fat mosha muttered.

"I didn't quite catch that sorry, where?"

"At a-" Unfortunately, the mosha was cut off by an anguished cry.

"OH MY GOD, DAVE!"

Next chapter:

What happened to Dave.

Where was it filmed?

The plan…


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: Don't own ANYTHING!!! Apart from the ACL :D

A/N: Right, well I've decided to get rid of the ACL, mostly, because (and you should agree :D) they blagged head. They will probably still make an appearance in future chapters, but wont be as major.

Chapter Eleven:

"OH MY GOD, DAVE!"

With unnatural speed, all the cameras were switched on and turned to the source of the noise. Harry got up, and stood on his tiptoes to see what was going on, shading his eyes from the sun.

"NOOOO! NOT DAVE!" The chavs were standing well away from the water apart from Dave's mate, the Ravenclaw. He was on his knees, fists clenched, screaming at the sky.

"ACL, proceed with caution, do not try to make contact with the enemy chavs, but keep your cameras on!" Harry gave his orders and they moved with stealth towards the lake. They appeared silently behind the group of chavs, and Harry cleared his throat. The already-spooked Hufflepuff gangsta turned around and screamed.

"IT'S THE GRUDGE!" He turned and took refuge behind everyone else, but they - having turned at the shouts and seen the 'grudge' look-alikes - were trying to do the same thing. It was chaos.

One of the chavs got out his wand and pointed it at the ACL, who were all too busy filming to pull out their own wands in time. Luckily, the chav seemed to think a made up spell would suffice.

"GRUDGE-ICUS BANISH-ICUS!" A rather weak 'poof' sounded and a small cloud of smoke emitted from the end of his wand. He dropped his wand and scrambled through the rest of the chavs. Jumping into the water, he disappeared beneath it, never to be seen again.

Throughout the entire situation, the Raven chav had remained on his knees screaming at the sky. At the second splash however, he looked down.

"NOT YOU TOO JIMBO!" He staggered to his feet and pulled out his wand. "I SHALL AVENGE YOU!" With a battle cry, he ran and leapt into the water. Now their leader was gone, one by one, the rest of the chavs' primal instincts flared and they raced to defend the Raven. Within thirty seconds, sixteen Hogwarts Chavs had vanished. There was a weird silence as air bubbles rose to the surface and popped sorrowfully. Harry cleared his throat.

"Ahem." He edged himself to the edge of the lake and peered over. The dark depths revealed no secrets. Apart from one torn Speedo that had floated to the surface. Harry cleared his throat again and turned to go back to the ACL.

"Well then- hello?" There was nobody there. He looked down. All of the ACL was knelt, there heads touching the floor.

"Err." Harry said. A mosha towards the front sat up and back on his heels, waving his hands in the air.

"Oh revered leader! Teach us your ways!" Harry stared. A moment ago they were sneaking off to unknown places to film things and hitting on him, now they were worshiping him?

"I'm sorry, what's changed?" He asked delicately.

"Oh, almighty one-who-we-are-not-worthy-of! In one stroke of your hand you have rid the earth of over a dozen chavs! Teach us how to, oh masterful ruler!" Harry swallowed, and glanced back at the lake.

"Actually I think the giant squid ate them…"

"You are so modest, oh great one! We can all only hope that one day we might merit half of your worth!"

"That doesn't make any sense…" Harry was awash in a sea of confusion.

"Let us bear you into the warmth of the castle, oh great warrior!"

"Its already warm enough out here!" Ignoring him, the ACL rose as one and lifted Harry onto their shoulders and carried him into Hogwarts. They passed Hermione, who was leading a group of Vicky Pollards outside.

"Harry, what's happenin-OOMPH!" One of the ACL spammed Hermione (A/N The technique where you slap someone forehead with the palm of your hand).

"YOU WILL NOT SPEAK TO THE ALMIGHTY ONE UNLESS HE SPEAKS TO YOU!" The mosha raged.

"What? The almighty one? Harry! OOMPH!" She had been spammed again. "Stop tha-OOMPH!" The procession halted at the third spam.

"She has defied the almighty one three times, she will be punished! Get her!" Hermione was grabbed by two moshas, one on either side.

"Its okay, I don't mind." Harry said, peering down at Hermione in worry.

"She must be taught a lesson, almighty one! Just like these other traitors!" Harry looked around to the back of the procession. All of the emo/Vicky Pollards were being dragged along (all of them in tears) and several chavs were captive too. Harry giggled nervously.

"Oh, yes, well, if they're traitors…"

"_Harry_!" Hermione yelled. "Get off of me, you stinking mosha OOMPH! STOP SPAMMING ME!"

Harry was carried to the room of requirement (made by a mosha, big mistake). He gaped at the image the room presented. It was a cathedrally type room, high ceiling and massive wood rafters. There was a stain glass window at the far end of the building, depicting an armour clad Harry standing on a mound of chavs, a beam of light shining down on him from the heavens. There was many inverted-pentangle's hanging on the walls, and Harry was put down in front of an altar with what looked like the Book of Shadows from Charmed laid on it. Sure enough, as he opened it, there were pictures painted in it of men and women, and their strengths and weaknesses. The only difference from the Channel 4 show was that they were all Hogwarts Chavs.

Harry shut it carefully and spun around to see his mosha cult herding the chavs, emo's and Hermione towards him. He raised his hand and silence descended.

"He speaks!" A mosha yelled, then cowered under Harry's glare.

"The traitors that you have captured shall be….." He paused dramatically. "Taken to the Great Hall!"

"Take them to the Great Hall! Take them to the Great Hall!" They chanted as they filed out. When the church was empty, Harry scarpered.

DUH DUH DUUUUUH!

Next Chapter:

Now we've got rid of the ACL, its time for some lone combat…IN CLASS!


	12. Chapter 12

Disclaimer: Own nuffin. HAH MUFFIN!

Thanx reviewers!

Chapter 12: Mishi

And so the ACL was disbanded. Harry, having decided that they hindered more than they helped, gave them doggy bags and let them keep the camo makeup.

--------------

Meanwhile, the chavs were plotting against the giant squid.

"Homies. Bitches. We is united for a common cause. We is united in the memory of our brethren." Ernie Macmillen was holding court in the Great Hall, all of Hogwarts' chavs united.

"FOR DAVE!" Someone yelled, and Ernie (or, as he had become known as, MacMizza) nodded gravely, a bling-encrusted fist held to his chest.

"Our brothers were taken away from us in a drive-by shooting. A drive-by shooting -" He was interrupted by a 'puff.

"This is well lie-age! They was not shot! They was eaten by the giant quid!" There was some general murmuring.

"The giant _squid_, you will find that you mean, homie." The 'puff waved his hand in a dismissive manner.

"Whateva'." A Raven chavette stood up.

"I heard that the grudge chased them in there!"

"Yeah!"

"I heard that!"

"Be calm brethren! We is, like totally going off of subject! Now, our dead brothers - may they live forever - whether they shot by Sweaty-Betty's or eaten by a giant quid, need to be REVENGED!" Cheering and battle cries followed MacMizza's statement. "So I say! I say that we….SHURRUP!" He whistled and everybody was silent.

"I PROCLAIM! I SAY! I SAY THAT WE….." He paused dramatically. "We go on a MISHI!"

"Deffo!"

"In memory of Dave and his crewage!"

"TO KILL THE QUID!"

Pleased by the reactions he was getting, MacMizza continued. "So, if you will please, come here TONIGHT! And come in your camouflage!"

_That night, 11PM_

"I is not a happy chappy!" MacMizza moaned. "Everyone is three hours late!" After another few hours of waiting, the first few people arrived at 12:30.

"Why is you all late?" MacMizza raged. The chavs had the decency to look sorry.

"There was a party in the 'puff common room, like." One mumbled. MacMizza's stormy expression cleared instantly.

"Was there like, any monkey business?"

"Aaaaye! It was well wak, I can tell you that!" The chav beamed. MacMizza exchanged 'skin' with him. Then realised why he was angry and folded his arms.

"I will forgive you this one time, Gazza. And congrats on the camo, homie." The chav _was_ in camo. Camo _pattern _at the very least. His overalls were bright orange.

More and more chavs were arriving now the party had ended, and it seemed that they all shared Ali G's sense of 'camouflage'. There wasn't one of them not in a pastel coloured, camouflage printed overall.

"Yo, MacMizza! Is we getting this crazy-cat party started? Me balls are freezing!" Ernie nodded at Malfoy, who was looking very cold.

"Indeed we is, Draz-man. IF I CAN HAVE ALL OF YOUR ATTAN…ATTON….er…..FACES LOOKIN' AT ME?!" All of the Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw and Slytherin gangstas turned to him, united in their want of revenge.

"How is we supposed to like, not pass into Biggi's big bong-house in da sky while we is under?" Translation - How are we meant to breathe under water?

"I has figured it all out! Does everyone have their sunglasses on them?" Of course. Hundreds of sunglasses, of varying brands, were produced. "Does everyone still have da straw that I presented to you five mins ago?" There was some shuffling of feet and nervous coughs. MacMizza sighed. "Okay, hands up, who used theirs to make a bong?"

Almost every chav's hand rose.

"How is I supposed to make this mission work if I do not have you all working, like, with me?" MacMizza frowned, and distributed more straws. Once everyone was equipped with a new straw, he smiled and put on his own (Netto-Home brand) sunglasses.

"What you have now, my homies, are high teckernological scuba-equipment!" The muggle-born chavs gasped in amazement. "Underwater diving equipment." Everyone else gasped in amazement.

"MacMizza, you is WELL boffical to have thought of this!" Draz-man chav-saluted Ernie, who took offence at being called a bof.

"Is you disrespecting me???" He demanded. "Is you disrespecting my family?"

"Chill out dude! It was a compliment!" MacMizza backed down, mollified.

"Right then, follow me!" He went to dive into the lake, then stopped as a thought hit him. "And don't forget to breathe!"

Next Chapter:

The Giant Quid doesn't like being woken up at half one in the morning by multi coloured chavs brandishing bling.


End file.
